Friday, March 22, 2013

Five

Dear Jocie,
Today marks five years or 1,825 days or 43,800 hours which equates to over 2.6 million minutes that have crept by since you left us for heaven. My heart records every single tick of the clock as a scar; invisible to most but entirely suffocating to me. Sitting just a few feet from your room as I write this post, snow is gently falling and I can't help but remember every detail of your last morning with us. How giddy you were to be on the mountain for a beautiful Spring ski day. Wearing an In-N-Out t-shirt and basketball shorts over base layer; long red hair bouncing...you bounded down the stairs for breakfast. 

Five years...it can hardly seem possible. You have missed SO much of us just as we have missed SO much of you! 

I want you to know that even midst so much sorrow...joyful and happy times have weaved their way back into our world. Our family has been blessed to welcome the miraculous addition of baby Olivia Jocelyn 

and twice blessed to witness baby Henry's miracle arrival just 6 months later. Your Mom and dad are grandparents...which makes you Auntie Jocie, can you believe it? 

And your big sister is a mother, an incredible mama. Her once structured life now chaotically revolves around two little people. You would be so proud of her, I know we all are! Cass regularly tells her babes about Auntie Jocie and the millions of memories you made during your short life.

These little ones have stolen our hearts. 

Sometimes their antics remind me of you...especially Olivia. For she is a girly girl who loves to dress up, adores all amounts of sugar, and thrives on teasing the dog along with her baby brother. Sound familiar?

Speaking of your baby brother, he is no longer little. Next month he'll be driving a car and going out on dates. Chet is now older than you were when you left us...such a difficult thought for me to navigate. Oh how I wish you were here to tease him and wrap you freckle kissed arms around his manly shoulders and squeeze him tight. The two of you would be knee-deep in music, skiing, and shenanigans...I'm certain of it.

Your dad is still the man of my dreams. Although he has experienced overbearing pain and grief from your loss...he has also found strength to smile again. Just like always, he continually makes me laugh.

Last year he proved to all of us that he is still a pretty tough guy. But beneath that strong exterior lies a daddy heart that beats a little quieter since you have been gone. 

Every single time his skis lay tracks across freshly fallen mountain snow, I know he longs to turn his head and see you following close behind. Instead he settles for your spirit trailing next to him.

The Garlick sisterhood of the brown one, the blond one, and the red one is noticeably incomplete without you Jocie. Much like a three-legged stool missing that third leg, the balance is not quite the same. I know their loss is different than mine.

Living in LA now, I refer to Dione as lawyer girl. She is just a few months short of finishing law school at UCLA. Her commitment and achievement in accomplishing this law degree amazes me. You would love her new pooch Dorothy, she is sweet and adorable and just a tiny bit mischievous. 

As for me, I stumbled innocently into the world of photography and have become enamored with the view of the world through a lens. At hundredths of a second, I capture and subsequently savor the important moments of our life. I am a blogger...not the typical mommy blogger...more like a sad mommy blogger learning to live again. Establishing a presence on the internet has introduced me to photographers and bloggers all over this small world...wonderful people I am so lucky to call my friends. My journey through grief these past five years has been buoyed up through their constant love and continued support.

Admittedly, I would give anything to see your blue eyes dancing in my viewfinder. But it is your spirit that urges me forward each and every day. I miss you enormously!

Believe it or not, we keep bees,

raise chickens,

and have even found a way to continue your legacy.

 This family makes you part of everything we do and everywhere we go.

 But most of all today on this milestone awful anniversary, I want you to know dear sweet child of mine...that we are OK. That although this photo is missing our red-head...

you are never absent from our hearts.

Love, Chet, Dad, Mom, Dione, Olivia, Bob, Cassandra and Henry

PS...And thank you for the snowflakes, I think they are a sign of your love showering down on everyone who misses you today.










26 comments:

  1. Oh, Lisa, so much love to you today. These anniversaries are wrenching. You are an inspiration to me and to so many others. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world.

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  2. I am thinking of you and your family today. Your post was just perfect and, of course, brought me to tears. I'm sorry I never met Jocie. I love your family dearly. Hugs your way today and every day. And much love.

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  3. Thinking of you today. You are a gifted writer... so powerful.

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  4. Thanks for sharing this post. My brother died 14 years ago and I miss him every day; just like you all miss Jocie.

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  5. Oh Lisa. I cannot tell you how many times I read your posts about everyday, ordinary things and think about your girl. And you. And a loss I cannot imagine. I know we have never met, but my heart goes out to your family. I know, as I am sure you do, that she has not missed one minute of the joy that continues in your family. Blessings to you and yours. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing.

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  6. Appreciate you sharing your heart with us. I have to stop reading your blogs at work. Today's was another touching message...I had to go home to fix my face on my lunch hour...and then tell co-workers that my eyes water and I sniffle because of allergies. Love you all!

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  7. Oh Lisa, this is perfect and beautiful and heartrending. I love you so.

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  8. This is such a beautiful beautiful post. It is so very hard and so very sad, but I love how you share with us through blogging how you go on. Thank you.

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  9. I think of your Joice often. My heart still aches at your profound loss. A loss than only another parent with an angel in heaven (or a sibling with a sister in heaven) can know. Your grace and dignity for the gut-wrench, heart breaking loss you have suffered is second to none. You will teach countless others how to breathe one more breath without their loved ones. Sending love and prayers your way on this anniversary. Keep on keeping on, Mama Garlick.

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  10. . I was a little miffed at the snow today until I saw "Five" as your blog title and realized it was a tender mercy from an incredibly loving Heavenly Father. Sending Internet hugs.

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  11. You are on my mind and in my heart on this sad anniversary. A day hasn't gone by this week that I haven't thought of your family. Thank you for sharing this post. Biggest of hugs to you all.

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  12. Gorgeous and heartbreaking and affirming, Lisa. Deepest love to you and your beautiful family.

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  13. Thank you Lisa for sharing this letter to your Jocie. I bet you never thought you'd have the strength to stand up again let alone raising chickens, capturing great photos and pouring delightful and genuine love into two grandchildren. I'm no mathematician but there is only one result when a person continues to live and care for those around her with such energy and love, all the while when her heart has a tangible ache, and that result is Beauty and Grace, even in the moments when she cries deeply. Sorry for this hard hard day (and days). Renee

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  14. It will never stop pulling at my heart that you are in the crummiest club ever. And I will likely never understand how you have found the strength you have to push through this and inspire so. many. people. with your love and strength. You amaze me. The lot of you Garlicks. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your girl with us. I am glad your Red One brought you snowflake. I hope you have had some beautiful days skiing this week. Big hugs to you, my friend. Big hugs.

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  15. Love to you and the Garlick crew...The post is beautiful, just like your Lovely Red One and her amazing, wonderful Mommy. ((hugs))

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  16. I love that Angel Day included snowflake sprinkles, yet again. Your post is honest, inspiring, and heart wrenching. Thought of you often on this dreaded anniversary day. Lots of love.

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  17. I love you Lisa and your family! You have taught me about love and living everyday completely. I wish I could have met Jocie. Big hugs!

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  18. May God strengthen your hearts and heal your wounds!...
    Kisses from an European mom!

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  19. Much love to you and your family Lisa. I am inspired at how you found strength in the midst of grief. And I am in awe at how big your hearts are, that you didn't just find the courage to move on but stepped up and helped others who walk the same road you travel on.

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  20. Lisa, I just wanted to let you know that I found your blog yesterday, through Leisa Firth's blog. I was overcome with emotion at the story of your beautiful daughter, and the pain and grief your family has had to endure. May you be blessed in your efforts to continue her legacy, and to help others. You are a very inspiring family.

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  21. Sweet letter to your girl! I just love that last photo on this post. And the first one makes me smile because she sure loved the lip goo! Jiggy stick is just PERFECT!!
    xo

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  22. Sending you much love my friend. I wish I could have met The Red One. She sounds like my kind of gal. A bit like her mother, but a tad ornery like I suspect her father is. She is beautiful and I'm so glad your angel sent you some gentle snow. All my love to all of you Garlicks.

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  23. Thinking about you always. Such beautiful yet heartbreaking. Your spirit is amazing, my friend. xo

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  24. What a sweet post. We talked about Jocie a couple of Saturdays ago as we were at the Beav, on a bluebird day. You have handled this with grace and strength. Love you.

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  25. I'm reading this a little late, but I just wanted to send my love your way. Thanks for sharing this blog post. It is difficult, but helps so many people. Love to you all.
    -catania

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  26. lisa, this sweet letter to your baby girl is heart wrenching and soooo full of love! tears run down my face as i can't even take my mind to where yours exists... all my love and prayers and you continue to amaze and inspire so many!

    xoxox,
    ashli

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