Thirty

Thirty years ago Dean and I entered our apartment as husband and wife for the very first time where our 95 year old landlord had left us a gift taped to the door. Carefully clipped, was a newspaper headline that read "FOR GARLIC LOVERS ONLY" along with his best wishes for a long and happy life together. Dean reminded me that wasn't how I spelled my new last name in case I had forgotten. But mostly I remember how we laughed that 95 year old Arthur was so witty and clever. We giggled at the thought of him even knowing what love is at his age. Newlyweds know SO much about love right?

Fast forward thirty years...having a lot more perspective and wisdom, we escaped to the Dominican Republic to celebrate the milestone anniversary!

It's hard to believe that we have been together for that many years. I have been asked how we stay married for so long. I will tell you, I don't know exactly! But maybe it's just simply committing to STAY married.

I would never say that marriage is easy...we all know it isn't! But then achieving something worthwhile never is easy. For better or worse...the balance can seem to weigh heavy on the worse side at times. But the good times far outweigh the bad in the end. 

I believe love and marriage goes through stages. The first being all about romance...it's the easiest. The fodder of Hollywood and romance novels, romantic love sells and we can't get enough of it. 

The novelty of new love leads you to think about your partner night and day...idealizing everything about them. You want to spend every moment together because your brain is literally addicted to being in love.

After the dazzle of romance wears off, it's time to dig down and really get to know that person you married. I adore his passion for living and energy to start exciting new projects. And he is my number one fan when it comes to quilting or photography or anything else I love.

Living with a person day after day, year after year can be difficult. Your once idolized perfect spouse now has habits that might make you crazy like never shutting the cupboard doors (I do that), or leaving things laying around (he does that).

And let's face it, children can really complicate a marriage.

Through the years we have had moments of complete joy and perfection...

our wedding, births of each of our four children, graduations, special holidays, sunshine and powder ski days, great vacations and becoming grandparents.

But we've also had lots of imperfect moments...

sick babies with sleepless nights, worries over teenagers,

tough decisions, mistakes, employment worries...

and moments of great sorrow.

The loss of Jocie rocked our world and still leaves us unsteady.

But those moments of imperfection, hardship and sorrow, though they might be gritty and nasty and completely unbearable have helped shape our marriage and brought us closer together.

After 30 years our love is deeper and more mature. I know that unequivocally he has my back. And when I make him crazy, I know all it takes is a freshly baked pie to apologize.

Looking back...it's been an incredible 30 years being married to my sweetheart. He makes me laugh, surprises me with large Diet Cokes when I need it, and understands me like no one else can. It seems old Arthur might have known something about love after all.

Five

Dear Jocie,

Today marks five years or 1,825 days or 43,800 hours which equates to over 2.6 million minutes that have crept by since you left us for heaven. My heart records every single tick of the clock as a scar; invisible to most but entirely suffocating to me. Sitting just a few feet from your room as I write this post, snow is gently falling and I can't help but remember every detail of your last morning with us. How giddy you were to be on the mountain for a beautiful Spring ski day. Wearing an In-N-Out t-shirt and basketball shorts over base layer; long red hair bouncing...you bounded down the stairs for breakfast. 

Five years...it can hardly seem possible. You have missed SO much of us just as we have missed SO much of you! 

I want you to know that even midst so much sorrow...joyful and happy times have weaved their way back into our world. Our family has been blessed to welcome the miraculous addition of baby Olivia Jocelyn 

and twice blessed to witness baby Henry's miracle arrival just 6 months later. Your Mom and dad are grandparents...which makes you Auntie Jocie, can you believe it? 

And your big sister is a mother, an incredible mama. Her once structured life now chaotically revolves around two little people. You would be so proud of her, I know we all are! Cass regularly tells her babes about Auntie Jocie and the millions of memories you made during your short life.

These little ones have stolen our hearts. 

Sometimes their antics remind me of you...especially Olivia. For she is a girly girl who loves to dress up, adores all amounts of sugar, and thrives on teasing the dog along with her baby brother. Sound familiar?

Speaking of your baby brother, he is no longer little. Next month he'll be driving a car and going out on dates. Chet is now older than you were when you left us...such a difficult thought for me to navigate. Oh how I wish you were here to tease him and wrap you freckle kissed arms around his manly shoulders and squeeze him tight. The two of you would be knee-deep in music, skiing, and shenanigans...I'm certain of it.

Your dad is still the man of my dreams. Although he has experienced overbearing pain and grief from your loss...he has also found strength to smile again. Just like always, he continually makes me laugh.

Last year he proved to all of us that he is still a pretty tough guy. But beneath that strong exterior lies a daddy heart that beats a little quieter since you have been gone. 

Every single time his skis lay tracks across freshly fallen mountain snow, I know he longs to turn his head and see you following close behind. Instead he settles for your spirit trailing next to him.

The Garlick sisterhood of the brown one, the blond one, and the red one is noticeably incomplete without you Jocie. Much like a three-legged stool missing that third leg, the balance is not quite the same. I know their loss is different than mine.

Living in LA now, I refer to Dione as lawyer girl. She is just a few months short of finishing law school at UCLA. Her commitment and achievement in accomplishing this law degree amazes me. You would love her new pooch Dorothy, she is sweet and adorable and just a tiny bit mischievous. 

As for me, I stumbled innocently into the world of photography and have become enamored with the view of the world through a lens. At hundredths of a second, I capture and subsequently savor the important moments of our life. I am a blogger...not the typical mommy blogger...more like a sad mommy blogger learning to live again. Establishing a presence on the internet has introduced me to photographers and bloggers all over this small world...wonderful people I am so lucky to call my friends. My journey through grief these past five years has been buoyed up through their constant love and continued support.

Admittedly, I would give anything to see your blue eyes dancing in my viewfinder. But it is your spirit that urges me forward each and every day. I miss you enormously!

Believe it or not, we keep bees,

raise chickens,

and have even found a way to continue your legacy.

 This family makes you part of everything we do and everywhere we go.

 But most of all today on this milestone awful anniversary, I want you to know dear sweet child of mine...that we are OK. That although this photo is missing our red-head...

you are never absent from our hearts.

Love, Chet, Dad, Mom, Dione, Olivia, Bob, Cassandra and Henry

PS...And thank you for the snowflakes, I think they are a sign of your love showering down on everyone who misses you today.