Donuts and Red Shoes...Embracing Jiggy Day

It's Jiggy Day...and I am eating freshly glazed donuts for breakfast and wearing new red shoes.


Because anything red ALWAYS reminds me of my girl...but especially red shoes!

 My heart generally surges and then constricts on Jocie's birthday...causing joy and pain simultaneously.

I find it incomprehensible that my youngest daughter would be 22 today and even further unfathomable that this is the seventh birthday we have celebrated without her. 

The inability to make new memories is one of the cruel realities about losing someone very close to you. As friends and family age...she remains forever fixed in time. A beautiful rose oblivious to seasonal changes or passage of time.

This beautiful rose will always be 15.

I see so much of Jocie in the world around me...like the antics of her teenage brother choosing Hello Kitty for his senior year backpack.

Or downloading the photos from my camera...to find these gems waiting for me! Harassing mom used to be a favorite pastime of Jocie's.

Certainly Jocie would have been on the top of this boulder rockin' the Warrior pose with her siblings.

And she would be completely supportive of this behavior...

as well as this nonsense!

When Jocie was this age she liked sugar, shoes and shopping...

and hated having her hair fixed each and every morning...which completely describes Olivia.


Playing with crazy lovable Kenya always reminds me of Jocie, because she picked her out of that litter of puppies the day we brought her home. Kenya being the most hyper pup...I remember Jocie exclaiming, "See mom, she acts just like one of us!"

Sometimes I wish I could sneak just one new memory out of the past...

one moment I've forgotten.

Something ridiculous that Jocie said...

or even better...a breathtaking mother daughter memory that belongs to just the two of us.

So today my friends I have a wish for you,

or shall I even make it a challenge!

Do something extraordinary...

or even ordinary today,

with someone you love,

doing what you love...

and photograph it, sketch it, journal it,

just document it in some way. Record that memory and tuck it away for safe keeping. Trust me...you will be so happy you did. Happy Jiggy Day to all our friends and family!

Five

Dear Jocie,

Today marks five years or 1,825 days or 43,800 hours which equates to over 2.6 million minutes that have crept by since you left us for heaven. My heart records every single tick of the clock as a scar; invisible to most but entirely suffocating to me. Sitting just a few feet from your room as I write this post, snow is gently falling and I can't help but remember every detail of your last morning with us. How giddy you were to be on the mountain for a beautiful Spring ski day. Wearing an In-N-Out t-shirt and basketball shorts over base layer; long red hair bouncing...you bounded down the stairs for breakfast. 

Five years...it can hardly seem possible. You have missed SO much of us just as we have missed SO much of you! 

I want you to know that even midst so much sorrow...joyful and happy times have weaved their way back into our world. Our family has been blessed to welcome the miraculous addition of baby Olivia Jocelyn 

and twice blessed to witness baby Henry's miracle arrival just 6 months later. Your Mom and dad are grandparents...which makes you Auntie Jocie, can you believe it? 

And your big sister is a mother, an incredible mama. Her once structured life now chaotically revolves around two little people. You would be so proud of her, I know we all are! Cass regularly tells her babes about Auntie Jocie and the millions of memories you made during your short life.

These little ones have stolen our hearts. 

Sometimes their antics remind me of you...especially Olivia. For she is a girly girl who loves to dress up, adores all amounts of sugar, and thrives on teasing the dog along with her baby brother. Sound familiar?

Speaking of your baby brother, he is no longer little. Next month he'll be driving a car and going out on dates. Chet is now older than you were when you left us...such a difficult thought for me to navigate. Oh how I wish you were here to tease him and wrap you freckle kissed arms around his manly shoulders and squeeze him tight. The two of you would be knee-deep in music, skiing, and shenanigans...I'm certain of it.

Your dad is still the man of my dreams. Although he has experienced overbearing pain and grief from your loss...he has also found strength to smile again. Just like always, he continually makes me laugh.

Last year he proved to all of us that he is still a pretty tough guy. But beneath that strong exterior lies a daddy heart that beats a little quieter since you have been gone. 

Every single time his skis lay tracks across freshly fallen mountain snow, I know he longs to turn his head and see you following close behind. Instead he settles for your spirit trailing next to him.

The Garlick sisterhood of the brown one, the blond one, and the red one is noticeably incomplete without you Jocie. Much like a three-legged stool missing that third leg, the balance is not quite the same. I know their loss is different than mine.

Living in LA now, I refer to Dione as lawyer girl. She is just a few months short of finishing law school at UCLA. Her commitment and achievement in accomplishing this law degree amazes me. You would love her new pooch Dorothy, she is sweet and adorable and just a tiny bit mischievous. 

As for me, I stumbled innocently into the world of photography and have become enamored with the view of the world through a lens. At hundredths of a second, I capture and subsequently savor the important moments of our life. I am a blogger...not the typical mommy blogger...more like a sad mommy blogger learning to live again. Establishing a presence on the internet has introduced me to photographers and bloggers all over this small world...wonderful people I am so lucky to call my friends. My journey through grief these past five years has been buoyed up through their constant love and continued support.

Admittedly, I would give anything to see your blue eyes dancing in my viewfinder. But it is your spirit that urges me forward each and every day. I miss you enormously!

Believe it or not, we keep bees,

raise chickens,

and have even found a way to continue your legacy.

 This family makes you part of everything we do and everywhere we go.

 But most of all today on this milestone awful anniversary, I want you to know dear sweet child of mine...that we are OK. That although this photo is missing our red-head...

you are never absent from our hearts.

Love, Chet, Dad, Mom, Dione, Olivia, Bob, Cassandra and Henry

PS...And thank you for the snowflakes, I think they are a sign of your love showering down on everyone who misses you today.

That's a Wrap

Just a couple months ago on Thanksgiving morning, the family was busy making pies, peeling potatoes and basting turkeys; when I heard the familiar text message sound from my phone. "KSL.com page Two" was all she sent. KSL is an NBC-affiliated television/media station located in Salt Lake City, Utah. We dropped everything to read this KSL article written by my talented friend Michelle. It was such a joy to read words written about Jocie, especially on Thanksgiving Day. My heart burst with gratitude for Jocie's life and legacy. 


But you can just imagine our surprise and (dare I say) fright when I received a phone call from KSL just a few weeks ago. Would Dean and I consent to our story being brought to video form and broadcast on KSL's Studio 5 program? I had been out shopping and somehow during the phone call I exited the store, slipped on ice, fell, dropped my phone cracking the screen, and said yes!

The first Monday in February brought a senior KSL producer and her video technician to our home. Irinna had previously sent a list of questions that she would be asking us during the interview process to help us prepare. Many of the questions were difficult, extremely difficult...tell us about Jocie, how does she complete your family. Tell us about the details of the day of the accident. Tell us what it is like to lose a child...then and now. 

What is it like to lose a child...there isn't a single day that I wish we were still innocent of this knowledge. Unless you find yourself in this horrible, awful, no good club...it's nearly impossible to know. And it crushes me every time I hear of another parent losing their own innocence. With tears in her eyes, Irinna listened to the details she graciously pushed us to recount. This would be the first time Dean and I had openly discussed together...what exactly happened that March day nearly five years ago.

After an exhausting interview filming session, we breathed a sigh of relief and Thompson the video guru began shooting various footage in my craft room,

and Jiggystick World Headquarters.

This was the easy part, talking about jiggysticks and actually making a batch while the video was recording.

After about 2 1/2 hours they packed up their gear and left. Irinna asked if we considered ourselves an inspiration. We both emphatically exclaimed "NO"! However, if because of this interview there is one person somewhere, engaged in fighting a similar battle...watching us breath, stand upright, smile, and even laugh...then this segment will be absolutely worth it.

While I know our little video surely is not a blockbuster with a cliffhanger ending. If after all the footage is edited and most of it on the cutting room floor, you would like to watch us...the segment is scheduled to air on KSL Studio 5 Wednesday Feb 20th, sometime between 11:00 am and 12:00 noon (mountain standard time). You can click on the "Watch It Live" button on their site and watch it from KSL Studio 5's website if you don't live within KSL's broadcast range to watch it on TV.